Monday, June 9, 2014
Not a Happy Post
It made me aware that there is a growing number of my schoolmates who are now part of the "one surviving parent" club.
This is the part where we watch our parents die.
My mom died 6 years ago this July. And I think there are times when the tragedy of her life is still too much for me to think about.
I wore a piece of her jewelry today, a quartz crystal wrapped in wire and hung from a chain. It gave me a small comfort, a connection, a tiny bit of hope.
And I feel completely helpless as I sit and watch my schoolmates and friends go through the same thing. Our parents are growing old and leaving us.
It's the normal order of things, of course, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Some of us will have to deal with estates, nursing homes, assisted living, hospice, attorneys... Because that's just how things work.
So as we sit and keep watch through these life transitions, I wonder: in our 40-odd years on this planet, what have we learned? Have we learned anything at all, really?
What are we doing for our kids? What are we leaving for them?
What kind of experience are they going to have when it's their turn to watch us die?
I can't say that I've known this all along, but what I know to be true tonight is that all we have is this moment.
And nothing else...none of it...really matters, anyway. All that we have, truly, is this.
And I was lucky enough tonight to have a safe place to go to sit with all of this that was swirling through the chaos of my mind, a place where I could go and let the tears come along with the fear and the other hard stuff. I had a place where I could go and just let it all go.
We identify so much with our parents. We feel as though they will be there forever, because they have been there forever, right? So when they just suddenly...disappear...what's left?